How I (Try To) Avoid Burnout
Earlier this week, I mentioned on Instagram that I had about a dozen half-drafted posts (or titles for posts, at least) on working motherhood saved for this blog. I asked if there was anything in particular you wanted to read from me, and someone replied, “You somehow do not seem burnt out. How?”
I responded to her directly to say that I do get burnt out sometimes; you just don’t see it online because that’s when I don’t have the time or energy for social media! However, I can tell you all more broadly how I try to avoid getting to that point because it touches on a few of the other questions that were sent in. It’s not groundbreaking, but I hope my framing might help you if you struggle with this, too.
Confirm the default
The foundation of my sanity, as a woman who works outside the home 3-4 days/week with a husband who works outside the home 2-3 days/week and two young children and a dog, is having a template for how a “normal” day will go. Every adjustment required by the demands of a particular day - an early meeting, a late work event, a pediatrician’s appointment - is made on that template so we don’t have to reimagine the entire day from scratch when figuring out logistics. I call it the “default” as it’s what start with or revert to automatically when we’re in a calm period.
Confirming the default ensures that Jon and I are on the same page about how things should go and provides us with a strong foundation from which to weather storms.
Look over the calendar for the week ahead
Every Sunday, Jon and I sit down together to look over the calendar from the week ahead to determine how we’ll need to go off-piste on any given day. The more we can prepare for the changes, the less they’ll tear us from our moorings. (Wow, I really am mixing my metaphors in this post, aren’t I? Ha.)
Ascertain the needs v. the wants and agree on a Minimum Standard of Care
Beyond the logistics, which is what the template really serves to confirm, are the things we must do to keep the house running and our dependent creatures alive: laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.
It’s important to agree on the needs versus the wants for busy times - before the busy times hit. So, for instance, I want the laundry folded and put away as soon as it comes out of the dryer. That’s possible when we’re living a week that mostly goes by the template, but it isn’t always when we have to make tons of changes because of other demands on our time and energy, and we both need to recognize that so expectations are adjusted and understood.
And, along those lines, it’s also important to agree on what Eve Rodsky calls the Minimum Standard of Care. I’d actually say there needs to be one MSC for the default and one for the crazy times. To use another example, the MSC for the former is that the house is tidied with things put back where they belong by the time the adults go to bed; the MSC for the latter is just that the floors are clear. There might be times when the MSC of care is the same for both: I need the bed to be made every morning no matter what while Jon would be fine releasing that, and Jon needs the plants outside watered regularly while it’s not a priority for me. There’s going to be a give and take here, but if you can discuss it before it becomes an issue you’ll avoid resentment as well as burnout.
I’ll publish another post soon detailing what our default looks like (because I know we’re all curious about how we each make it work - or try to make it work). And this is a good reminder for me that Jon and I need to have a refresher conversation on needs v. wants and the MCS for each! None of the above means you can’t or shouldn’t be flexible. For me, at least, it means that I’m starting from a place of stability rather than feeling like I’m constantly flailing. I hope it helps you gain some stability, too!
