So You’re Expecting Your First Child

If the women who post prolifically on the internet - Instagram and Reddit in particular - are representative of most pregnant women and mothers across the country, I have had a very unusual last seven years.

No one ever tried to touch my baby bump without asking. Not once. And it was uncommon even for people who knew me well to ask to put their hand on my stomach. (It might help that I was pregnant with Claire in the first year of the pandemic before vaccines were available so didn’t do much socializing with friends let alone see people in super public environments, but Robbie was in utero in 2017 when we were all out and about.)

And I very, very rarely received unsolicited advice - again, not from friends, family members, colleagues, or strangers.

In fact, I tried to get advice anywhere I could! It would really weird Jon out, but I’d ask random parents of babies we saw out and about very specific questions. Do you like that stroller? Can you talk me through why you chose that carrier? What was the most useful thing on your registry? What are you panic-buying in the wee hours? Moms especially were almost always thrilled to talk through their thought processes; after all, so much unrecognized emotional labor went in to so many decisions and here I was, ready and eager to appreciate it.

I asked the abstract question, too, whenever we saw friends with young children: what advice do you have for us?

Frustratingly, most people left us high and dry. “Tell me how to parent!” is what I was really pleading. I think they knew that but, with the wisdom of experience, here’s how they almost all responded: “Oh man, I don’t know. Every kid is so different.”

Now, as a parent of a preschooler and an elementary schooler, I’d probably shake my head with a smile and give the same answer if asked that question. Every kid is so different. Every parent is so different, every family is so different, every household is so different. What worked for me might not work for you, and even if it does… it’s not because that thing was the right way to do it. It was just the way that happen to work for both of us.

Beyond that, though, here’s what I would encourage expectant parents to remember:

Other people’s choices are not reflections on your choices.

Other people’s judgements are about them and their insecurities, not about you.

You will make mistakes from time to time. They won’t mess up your kid.

It’s okay to change tactics. It’s normal for your philosophies to evolve.

You don’t have to enjoy parenthood 100% of the time to be a good parent.

There is magic in the most banal moments.

Everything is a phase; this too shall pass.

And, especially for pregnant women: yes, fed is best. No qualifiers, no hedging. Full stop.

What would you add to this list?